and the drama continues...help me please!

I was so upset last night b/c after KS said BM yelled at him, the usual sentence after is "I hung up on her, im not listening to her shit" not "I'm metting her saturday" and i just said back to him"so you weren't goign to ask me if we were doing anything for new years?" not that we were or that I cared, I just got upset b/c usually he says to me "I'm going to try and get hallie this weekend is that ok?" but not this time...and what made me even more upset is how it happened. she yelled at him and instead of him not allowing her to talk to him like that saying like "this is no way to handle this situation BM, all you have to do is ask me in a calm manner, not yell or demand me to do things. I want to see my daughter, and that is fine but I will not do it unless you appologise to me for one, and for two, things need to change, it can't be like this"

but he didn't, he just yelled back i'm sure and gave into her b/c she threw up that "i'm taking you to court, you don't love your daughter" shit that gets him in the heart. It bothers me, and his mom does the same thing.

I called KS back after hanging up on him and said I didn't want to fight, but I was just hating how she just yells, rants, and raves then he gives in. Its reinforcing her to act that way instead of him taking a stand against her. But he's too scared she'll take him back to court (where he'll have to pay more money for child support and have to see her every other weekend) he sees her when he can now, but being in retail, he's only allowed one full weekend off a month, so the other weekend he's supposed to have her his mom takes her and he sees her when he can. But if that goes to court and it's ordered that he has to see her every other weekend, he won't be able to do it b/c of his job.

So does he quit his job? No, can't pay the bills that way.

Does he give up his rights? Thats what the courts will say to him--sorry sir since you cannot take her every other weekend you can't see your child anymore. And what kind of life is that for him or his daughter? thats not fair.

Then ok, say he pays the 600 some dollars for child support, then he still would have to see her every other weekend which entails driving 2 hours (one way--4 hours round trip...then x's 2 b/c one for pick up and one for drop off) that's extra burden (but we do it already...only now he's not paying that much in child support) and extra money.

It's just you can't win. If he yells at her, or tries to stand up to her, she shouts about taking him to court (scenarios above) and he is afraid that he won't be able to see his daughter anymore. Unless we move. Cause then it'd be easier (no more driving 2 hours, he coud pick her up on weeknights, etc). But I don't want to move. So therefore I think..take me out of the equation..its easier. He can't afford anything, so he'd have to move in w/ his mom...but he'd be downstate w/ his daughter...and they'd be happy. KS wouldn't be (he says w/out me, but he could find someone else), but baby mom, daughter, and mom would be b/c no hassle and haggle about seeing the child.

So do i get over myself and accept to move down there? Or cut my ties and move on? I almost cut my ties last night. I asked my mom if I could move in w/ her for a while. To clear my head and think of things. I was just thinking to myself driving home that I didn't want my life to be like this. Revolved around someone else. And if we have kids...carting them around downstate, upstate, etc. Or having me sit home while he goes and gets hallie (again 4 hours one day, 4 hours another for the two days drop off and pick up) and my kids don't get to see their father b/c he's too busy running around getting his daughter. And...his paycheck (or financial situation) is burdened b/c if he makes more, she takes more. That's how the system works.

I had to call KS mom last night b/c after I told KS I didnt know if I coudl take this the rest of my life he said he'd fix it and hung up on me. HE called his mom and told her to not talk to me about BM anymore. I told KS I cringe when she calls (KS mom) b/c I get so angry at knowing she's buddy buddy w/ BM. And I told her flat out I said "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, ask you to change or anything, I'm just telling you how I feel b/c KS wants me to"

I don't wanna hurt his moms feelings, but she's just as guilty as he is. She said she's not buddy with her, she just tries to keep the peace. She said the presents weren't from her, Hallie wanted to buy them. Fine, but from my perspective...I see presents in your house to her, and she gives you a gold bracelet. I see how KS handles talking to her, and I see how you do (she does it nice, and KS does it not friendly..not mean, but not all fakey fakey HIIII) and it deosn't add up. I wanted her to see from my point how it looks like. She just kept saying she was sorry and that she didn't mean to hurt me and that she really doesn't like her, but just deals with the situation so she can see her grandchild. but again...she just lets her run the show.

She told me "i wish I could say to her that she shouldn't be so mean to my son, but i'm scared i won't see hallie anymore" so they just live in fear of this one person.

do you see this? I just have no clue what to do. I"m on the sidelines watching/hearing this and I can't do anything. what can I do? I can't/don't talk to BM, I only get frustrated and upset..but what can I do? what do i do?

shit hit the fan tonight. I called KS when I got home from the gym and he tells me that he's not feeling well (his allergies are acting up) and that he arguied w/ baby mom for 10 minutes or so. Of course nosy me was lik e"about what?" he proceeds to tell me that they argued about she has plans for new years and he HAS to take her b/c he never see's his daughter, and he doesn't love her, etc. etc. etc. you get where it's going. Anyway, so he continues on and I"m expecting him to say "so yeah..we argued" and thats it. But he said "i'm meeting her halfway on Saturday." and i was like WTF--we don't ask each other...or give me a heads up. But then he said yeah well, i figured it'd be ok, what did you want me to say?

I was just so upset. We hung up, or rather...I hung up. I was so livid because all she had to do was throw her fucking cards up of "you're a bad parent, you don't love her, i'm calling the state, etc" and the seas part and everyone gives that bitch whatever the fuck she wants. I hate it. It'd be one thing if she said "Hey ks I want to do something for new years, do you have any plans cause I need someone to watch her?" no..she comes right in w/ the loud mouth and name calling. Who does that? fucking low lives.

So ks and I fought over it, I almost left the relationship hanging. I called my mom and asked her if I could stay w/ her for a bit, she said sure and asked me to come over. Instead i just talked to her. I really just needed someone to talk to.

She leveled me out, and told me (just like J would have) that KS loves me and wouldn't hurt me. That we just need to stand up to her, but realized that KS loves his daughter and just doesn't want baby mom abusing her (by that i mean saying things to her like your daddy doesn't love you, doesn't wanna see you, etc) cause she does shit like that. LOVE IT.

So anyway, after I calmed down and stopped crying I called him back and told him taht I was sorry and that it'd be fine don't do anything. Well, he had already called his mom (I bitched about her buying baby mom presents for christmas--which turns out...or so she said, that the daughter bought them for her "parents"--baby mom and her boyfriend and KS mom wrapped them) not sure if I believe that one..but ok. Anyway...so yeah KS has his mom crying b/c he told her that I was upset that she is always talking about baby mom.

i hate hearing about it for one, for two...don't bitch at me about her when you really don't hate her. stop being two faced. It looks bad on you.

so anyway, that was my night. i did make it to my cardio kickboxing class tonight which Im very proud of myself for.

I hate feeling like sometime this is the only thing i have. Or rather, only place to find some sense of me. If that makes any sense. I check my email, nothing...nothing there. I wait for phone calls, or text messages, and again...nothing there. Not that I've really gotten much feedback on my diary/blogger but it's like..I feel more here than anywhere.

I hate missing people. I hate wanting their attention. but, I do. I wish I had more friends that I could be close to, but I dont. My closest friends, whom I trust...are on here...because I don't know you. Or, I feel close to people who I don't see that often. Like my dee, love her to death but I hardly ever see her. She lives an hour away, and I guess that makes it hard. We haven't really hung out too much outside of soccer, but it would be nice to do that sometimes.

I just miss the companionship and the friendship, that trust. I mean, I have Ks, but I just feel very lonely a lot of times. I think I try and look for that void in all the wrong places. could it be that I'm still seeking my dad's affection (for you newbie's...I grew up never knowing him till just two september's ago) and even still we don't talk, he's not HERE so, is that what I'm doing?

but seriously...and I mean serious..this is the only place where I can say/feel/think how I want. I do not feel I can be that way around my friends. Every one of them I have to not say something, or avoid a topic to keep things from going under. Its silly, and is that really friendship? I don't know. I guess it's on an individual basis, but ...whatever. I'm over this deep conversation I'm having with myself.

later

hello world

Yeah, so I'm new to hear, but not to the "blogging/diary" online world. I've decided to make a new home for myself. If you have followed me here, thank you. If you are new...say hi. I have come here because I like my world to be exposed, yet...I like to be secret. If that makes sense.

I have to update on Christmas and stuff. I got a kick ass present. I'm so happy. It was a total suprise. I got an ipod nano with the nike plus gear to go with it. So far I've ran twice. My first run was 2 miles at 9:28 pace. My second run (last night @ the gym) was 2.34 miles at a 8:20 pace. So I'm either improving, or just not working/trying hard enough. I think it's a little of both. It was fun racing KS on the treadmill last night. I knew I could out run him. I did, but our challenge (as set up on the nike plus site) is for distance, not speed. Blah. Oh well, i'll just have to kick his ass with my endurance skillz! lol.

Oh well, that's all I've got for today, more tomorrow. yay, I'm so excited w/ a new home..I think.