blah---venting about stress, and stress and more of it

I have the blah's. I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm stressed and everything in between.

I had a rough night Saturday out boozing w/ the soccer team. I got trashed. KS called me a train wreck. Nice. I just remember sitting around drinking beers, taking shots (which was my downfall----no shots!!) all on an empty stomach. Why did I have an empty one? Because we had a game at 9 and KS and I were running errands till 6pm. 6pm is right at the 3 hour window where you shouldn't eat before physical activity. Anyhoo...enough.

So anyway, I was dry heaving and throwing up all Saturday night which led to Sunday where i felt like complete shit all day. I had a raspy throat but I thought it was b/c of the drunken sick. Well, here we are on Wednesday and not only do I still have the sore/raspy throat, but now I have a cough and a runny nose. Niiice.

On top of that, I'm working on my second 12 hour day. Tomorrow will be another fun filled one. I'm not even going to bitch about work and how people aren't pitching in. Cause I'm not.

then there's getting the paperwork finished for my coaching job, and for my student teaching. Both require me to do a TB test, and the student teaching one needs to be turned in by March 1st. I just got off the phone with my doctor's office. They cannot see me till Monday. ugh. Cause you need 48 hours in between. Niice. Well, I also had to get a background check done. I did that yesterday. That was a 2.5 hour fiasco. Not only did I have to drive 40 minutes to the office, but the whole reason I went to that location instead of the one thats 2 minutes from my apartment was because it was supposed to be free or at a discounted price at that location versus if I had went to the closer one, I would've had to wait 2 weeks to get an appointment, and pay full price. So, well guess what? They charged me full price b/c they ran out of money. Fuckers. Oh well, It's done and I'm 61 dollars more broke.

Then there's the stress of my sister's baby shower. Gawd. Trying to get ahold of people. No one has rsvp'd. Ok, well people have inadvertently rsvp'd. They've emailed or called me for other reasons but threw in that they'd be attending. There's 2 loose ends that haven't gotten back to me. I gues they'll be no shows? Who cares, we'll have fun no matter what. I'm excited. It's been fun planning it. But on top of trying to get so much done in between with school and the coachign jobs, it's been stressfull as all get out.

I have a lesson plan to finish up by next Tuesday. I have to get the rest of my 35 observation hours in before the middle of march. Sounds easy, but I can only go to the school on Tuesday's and Wednesday's. I didn't go yesterday b/c of last minute errands (the background check) plus I was sick so I wrote my teacher and she didn't write me back. That has stressed me out b/c I'm thinking--is she mad at me, i hope i didn't piss her off, etc. Ugh. Then, then I have to get a reading inventory in before i finish up my hours, then i have to write up a case study. All this and the coaching starts next thursday, i start new classes the week after that. I think I have to rearrange my classes.

Venting complete.

J questions.

how do you see yourself? How do you wish you were? And how do you see your life currently?
These are the questions posed to me by J. And I'm going to answer...after I say thank you all who did the snow dance b/c i got out of class last tuesday. LOVE YOU ALL!!! But shit if I didn't have to drag my ass to work in the freaking ice and snow that was Wednesday. UGH grr. Hate work.

1. Ok how do I see myself?
I see msyelf as very driven, strong and independent. Sometimes maybe too independent. I tend to push off help when I really could use it. Now, dont' get me wrong, I've taken help in my life. But, I mean with life, and my feelings. I feel that I'm cold and uncaring at times.

What else? I see msyelf as a good person. I try and love and show people how much they mean to me. I put forth effort to try and make people feel special, loved, and appreciated. I try and spend lots of time listening and being there when needed. I think I am a good friend to have.

I see myself as too busy. Too busy and not happy enough. Not fufilled in work, in life. I see myself very stressed, very tired.

2. How do I wish I was?
This is a bad questions. Mainly because I am hard on myself and I wish I was a lot more. I wish I was more elegant. And in that I guess I mean I want to be one of those girls that takes people's breath away. I wish I was that stunning. That is very shallow of me, and I know that I'm more than my looks, but I'm in awe of some women that i see who are so just gorgeous without effort. I don't think that's a great answer, but it's an answer none the less, and without beating myself up too badly.

I also wish I was less worry some. I worry about everything. I think the worst of most scenarios and stress over things way too much/easily. I wish I could just calm down and not be so serious all the time. I hear that a lot. My coach just said to me the other day--come on Mel, be fun. heh. Yeah, so that's me. I'd rather be more fun. Smile more, be less grumpy.

3. How do I see my life currently?
Busy.
I am busy as hell and it won't stop. I am happy in my relationship with KS. I'm in love. I'm happy with him. I'm happy with the fact that my bill are getting paid, however wish they were gone. I am deeply in debt b/c of school. that sucks ass. I'm always tired and moody because I do so much. Every day is filled with things whether its family, school, work, homework, papers, social live, friends. It's alway something. I love my family. I wish I could see them more. But most of them live far away and I don't have enough time to visit them all as often as I'd like.

I see that my friends are there for me, but not really there. If that makes sense. Physically I see my friends, but I dont' really trust them, or confide in them with most things. Any of the people I could confide in betrayed me, therefore I have walls built up. I have a friend whom I can tell anything to, well two of them, they're both men. I don't see them often enough, and when I do we spend hours upon hours talking and catching up. I don't know why I feel more comfortable with them, but I do.

snow dance everyone!!

Hey now, look it's Monday and I've got another update.

Ok, it's not an update, just an entry. Boo hoo.

I went shopping yesterday and bought KS his vday presents. I got him some cologne he likes but ran out of, and I bought him a pair of cute boxers w/ hearts. I was really considering the massage, but figured it's too much money, and I'll give him one if he wants. Right?

I have my interview @ the high school tomorrow, which I'm very, very excited about. I haven't heard from the private school, but here's a kicker. My absolute DREAM job would be teaching phys. ed. and guess who has an opening for a phys. ed. teacher? The private school. I dont' knwo what to do. Should I apply for it? Should I email that AD and tell him that I'd like that job and could he put in a good word for me? I have no clue!! But man, talk about dream line up. If i could coach and teach at a school--holly hannah. But, I bet I wouldn't get it b/c I have no phys. ed. classes/teaching experience. I did spend 35 hours w/ a phys. ed. teacher in 05, that was my first practicum for grad school. Ive taken undergrad classes for sports/phys. ed., eeh. IDK thinking too much.

Speaking of school, I didn't get a gosh darn piece of homework done this weekend. This is the 3rd weekend in a row where I told myself to get it done...and failed.

Oh well, here's to tonight! I have to get it all done by tomorrow. Well, at least 4 of my 9 assignments that are due. BC they are due tomorrow. The other 5 can wait till the following week. I need some focus.

Its supposed to be crappy weather outside tomorrow and wed. Maybe no school??! hip hip horray for a snow day!! Then I can push back my work a week and that'll give me more time.

Everyone do a snow dance tonight. heh.

The engagement, the coachign woes, and stuff

Please excuse me, it's been 8 days since my last confession (strike that), I meant entry.

haha. Where should I start?

Valentines day---I have absolutely no idea what I"m doing for KS. I had a few ideas, but not sure what I want to do. I bought him a card already (check). But now the presents (unchecked). I thought of getting a bottle of wine from the winery in South Carolina we liked when we were there for vacation last year. But, they sell them cheaper by the case, and I thought about buying a case, but a) we don't have the room, and b) who needs a case of wine? I mean the wine is good, it comes in flavors such as elderberry (our favorite) and blueberry, or raspberry. I love them all. Anyhoo, so then I was thinking maybe buying him something that he wants like a new keyboard, or tint for his car. Oh, and then there's the possibility of getting him a gift cert. for a massage. He's been complaining for over a week now (maybe two) about his back hurting. I thought that'd be something sweet. I can give him a massage, but not like the hour they give you, and I have no clue what I'm doing---they do. See?

Coaching---haven't heard from the private school. BUT I did talk to my college coach and he told me about a position @ the high school he is working with and I applied/called immediately. She wrote me back today and we set up an interview for 230 on Tuesday. And get this--the head coach I'd be working under is one of my old high school coaches!! He was the JV coach, so technically not my coach (I never played JV) but I knew him. He coached my sister. So yeah, being as the private school is dragging their feet, I"m moving on.

The AD from the private school called & emailed me about the position, but he's waiting for the head coach to call me, and for the head master of their school to contact him about money so he can make an offer. but, apparently there's been illness/death in both their families so there's been delays. And he apologized and said this is abnormal but he's still very interested in me as a coach. He asked me if I had other people waiting, and I said no (which was true last Friday) but that put the idea in my head that I should be looking elsewhere. And that's when i saw an ad in the paper for another high school (that has been filled by a district person--blah) and my coach called me about this other one. I believe (cross fingers) that I'll be coaching somewhere this spring!

School--I have two more weeks left of my first block. Thank goodness. But, next block I'll have two new classes, and I'm not very excited about piling on more work. eeks. I still have the one semester class to get through (that's both blocks) and the assignments and observations are time consuming. I like my placement though. I'm in a first grade class, and the teacher I'm observing under is really, really great. Her kids are fun, and she knows a lot about her job, which helps me. It's nice finally being in a regular classroom.

Work--sucks as usual.

Oh, I have news I forgot to share. Well, I shared it w/ J over our novel emails. But, I was scared to tell you guys. But, I'll tell ya.

CQ was reading through the Sunday paper and saw something she had to text me. The events are as follows:
CQ: What's Bigg's last name?
Me: _______
CA: OMG he's engaged and getting married in Sept!
Me: wow, I'm going to have to get the paper now.

KS and I were visiting his mom in lower state. And I couldn't find a paper! I got a little emotional in the store. Not because I couldn't find a paper, but I was really sad to hear the news. I don't' know how or why to explain it. One thing I always said/prayed was that I hoped he found happiness. Him and I couldn't' make each other happy. It was constant disappointment and tears when we were together (for me anyway). There was so much doubt, and I want to say walls between us, barriers that didn't let us get close. Anyway, basically him and I weren't ever meant to be together. Like CQ told me, I have Ks and he's way better , and it was his loss plus I'm much happier and more loved. And like 3mom said "I'd tell that girl, he'll never love you more than he loves himself" So true. KS and I stopped on our way home to pick up one. I saw the picture of them. complete with the description of how he proposed and get this--those fuckers are getting married on the beach.

My wedding is on a beach, dammit! Oh well, my wedding will be filled with love, and that's all I care about. I'm so glad I have ks, and there's no doubts, no holdbacks, no reservations. He has loved me from minute one, and I never had to fight for it. He just does.

so yeah, that's been my week.

That darned House episode.

I haven't written in almost a week and that's, well I was going to say odd, but for me--it's seeming pretty normal. I'll get in a zone and write, write, write then bam---i'm done.

I've been busy taking care of KS. He had 2 wisdom teeth pulled (chisseled/drilled) out Monday. I had to come in late to work for that, then Tuesday I worked all freaking day long to try and make up hours, but had class that night. Wednesday I went and observed for that class I missed Tuesday morning, and then came to work around 11am. After work I had to make up Tuesday's missed class by attending Wednesday night's class.

Yeah, I"m so freaking tired.

So that's why i haven't written. But, I'm goign to be writing now. And, I have a shit load of homework I need to write up this weekend. ugh. But, rant time.

I've been talking to J "McHubby" back and forth for---whatya say, a month now? These past few have gotten to be chapters now. If anyone saw the new episode of House on Tuesday night, you'll know what I'm about to go into.

J and I got to emailing (he emailed me, I responded, that was that) about the show and how sometimes you just in life run into someone who you feel the urge to connect with. We all have done this, shared things between each other that we wouldn't usually tell. I say that only b/c you that read this (w/ the exception of PB) are not in my real everyday life world.

But in some way, we all connect and find ways to bond, and share where in our lives we cannot find that mean. J and I were saying how it can be scary b/c people in your real life know you, and know people that you know therefore there's a bigger fear of what they'll do with that information. When we tell them things. they might use it against us, tell things that we tell in confidence to those we wish they wouldn't share it with. Etc.

I have shared a few secrets with some of you that I have shared with no one in my life. No my family, not my freinds, no on but you.

But, I guess I dont' even know what to say in this but that all of you who read, stop by, have said hi....all of you mean something to me. Everyone of you fills a void that I obviously cannot fill in my own way. I can share anything and you won't run off the minute we fight and tell my secrets. You won't try and steal my life or my feelings. You don't get offended if I rant, ramble, or go on and on about the same old problem for years ,and years (some of you).

So yeah, that's all I got for now. More to come later. Just wanted to write...something.