I'm so....blah!

I dont know what to call how I feel. I dont' know what to blame it on either. It could just be me, or it could be the BCP (my crazy pills!) lol, or just life. I'm so sad. I feel like a hole is there...and its just me. I get this way, and I dont know what to do, what to say. I talk it out, and then I feel stupid for even feeling this way. There is no answer, or reason as to WHY i feel this way, i just do. Its just a feeling inside, thoughts and just feelings.

Its not the economy, althought I know that is down right depressing. I'm just being thankful, ever so thankful that I have a job, and a roof over my head.

There is so much going on, and so much to think about. I know I should think more positive, and focus on the positive things, but its hard when you feel a heavy weight in your heart. Its hard to forget about that and think of other things.

Anyway. so that's my update. I need a way to kick this.

I hate being a female

Seriuosly. Its the worst. So after lil baby Collin was born--I knew w/out a doubt that I didn't wanna go through that again so I was right up in the doc's office asking for birth control. I decided to go w/ the same kind I used--WAY back in the day when I used it---lets say circa 2004? Maybe? so yeah--a long a** time ago. Well, it's 2008, my body had just had a baby and that birth control turned me into a mad woman! I don't know if my pre-preg. hormones mixed w/ the birth control hormones just made me a wack-o, but seriously--my god. It was only my 2nd week into taking them, and I knew it had to end.

So then I began that journey of *pray, pray, and pray more* that nothing slips in,a nd that we just don't get baby #2. Cause mommy is SO SO SO not ready for that. I'm thankful everyday that I'm not pregnant anymore.

I decided to try another kind, and thankfully a co-worker gave me a sample pack of what her doc gave her, and so far, this last month was not bad...not bad at all. No hormonal outrages, no screaming and throwing fits (yes, I know...but it happened!). I was balanced (I guess that's what you call it).

Then there's the after-pill. no, not the morning after pill you goonies. I'm talking about my pack ran out, and I forgot to call my doc for a refill--so I'm pill-less for going on day 2.5 w/out birth control. And the enrage began. Last night I got to crying spell, was flipping out, and crazed again! What is wrong with this stuff?!! Not to mention I've been paranoid, jealous, and picking fights left and right. Poor KS, bless his heart.

I don't know what to do. I feel at a loss with this.

******
On a more positive note I took my Praxis 2 test on Saturday morning. Let me tell ya--that was rough. I'm crossing my fingers and PRAYING for a passing score b/c I have to turn in my student teaching application by October 1st. Along w/ my application I have to have my scores....and passing scores at that--or no student teaching. I cannot wait! Please, please please pray I passed it! eeks.

I think thats it for now. I just wanted to rant b/c I dont understand this crap!