Sister's baby pictures from yesterday & mom's day

Me playing w/ the lil muffin man


The proud mommy on Mother's day
The proud auntie M on Mother's day :)

Beach wedding photos

Since I ended the last entry on such a sour note...here are some beach pictures the photographers took the weekend after our wedding.

This one is my favorite, and my background at work

I'm itchy, itchy scratchy!!

I'm so uncomfortable right now. It's freaking freezing in this office. Forget dressing to what the weather is like outside. I'll come to work in a 3/4 length shirt, capri's and sandals...and have to put a sweater on in the office. Now when I got outside and ride in my car, I sweat like a monkey. A hairy, goofy looking monkey. hahahaha.

Anyway, and I"m itchy. Since leaving my mom's house yesterday I got bit by something on the back of my head right on my hairline...on both sides! and behind both ears. Plus my eye was puffy this morning. I have no clue why. It looked like I had been crying...which I hadn't. Besides, who can cry w/ only one eye? I don't remember scratching it.

I have one more thing to have done before my coaching is finito. We have this banquet. Now,a t my other school we didn't really do a banquet. Maybe a end of the year at a players house thing. And I would make up silly awards and crafts for my girls and hand them out. I asked coach "what do you do for your girls, what awards do you give out and is there anything I should do for my girls?" He writes back and says he's taking care of it, and that all I need to do is stand up and say a little something.

I don't' get it. Is he doing the awards for my girls and his, or just his? I wrote him back and asked him that...and he said it's regular awards nothing special. O.K. So that explains a lot to me. First off, I'm pissed that I think he's picking out the awards for my girls. Who does that? Well, and what if there aren't' any for my girls? I'm going to do my thing...and make the usual crafts. I have no clue what I'm going to do. My first year I made key chains w/ the school colors, soccer balls, and their name. The second year I made candles w/ glitter and their name on them in their school colors. I'm lost as to what to do this year. hmmm. any ideas?

I haven't really stuck to my "plan" the past two days. Tuesday I ran @lunch and we had a wicked practice. Which I sucked at. I was feeling all kinds of odd. I had gas, which meant stitches on my sides. I drank water but then it just swung around in my belly making me feel even more lagging. It was just a bad day for my body. I was so freaking sore afterwards though. I took yesterday as my rest day. I have practice again today, and then on Friday I'll run at lunch and do the gym thing again after work. Saturday I'm torn. We have a game up at Philly. If I play I don't wanna workout before...but if I"m gonna be sitting my ass on the bench...why not? At least I'd be working towards playing more. But, I need to be realistic. I need to be more confident. I need to work harder in my workouts to get stronger. I need to make smarter decisions when playing to show coach I can do it. And most importantly I need to lose my attitude. I have a very sore one when I don't play. And i don't think the coaches like that. I'll be luck if I"m not booted to B this week. *SIGH* pray that I'm not....pray that I'm not.

See ya's. and if i don't---have a great memorial day weekend! Its a great time of year, kicks off the summer. But on a sad note, it's the 7 year mark of my aunt being dead. We found out she left this Earth by her own choosing this weekend 7 years ago. Sorry to end on a bad note, but it popped in my head. Poof...

Starting my plan

I started my "plan" yesterday. Well, sort of. Not to the extent I wanted to,but I started it. Yesterday I went to the gym w/ the best of intentions to do a good cardio seesion, get some ab work in, do some weights. BUT Ks came along, and my ipod was dead. I know excuses, excuses. But I did two 10 minute intervals. I did the eliptical on random which had some killer hills, then ran my ass off for 10 minutes. I mean I pushed it. I mean it was only 10 minutes, right? I can't run w/out music so I wanted to push it before it died. Then after my intervals we walked around and he was ready to go. He was worn out being that he hardly goes to the gym. I intended to do situps and lunges when I got home. Instead we washed and cleaned the cars, hit up Walmart and called it a night.

Before I left the gym I was talking to the lady who signed me up for my memebership. She's a nice woman but you know how you see people all the time, you say hi, but you never really know them? well, she asked if I had gotten married yet and I told her I had. We got talking about jobs and she told me that she used to work 3 or 4 part time jobs. I asked her "Wasn't that more tiring than working just here FT?" and she said "NO, and I enjoyed that more. I felt like I had more time to do what I wanted."

Isn't that amazing. I'd think the opposite. I'm all kinds of confused as to what to do. You saw Saturday I went mingling about keeping my options open for jobs. I'm just so tired of my current job. It's draining to me. 7 years I've been here. 7 years. I'm not even so sure anymore that I want to teach!! I mean, i'd love to be a PE teacher, but that's like insane to try and get a job in that field. Why? B/c a) people NEVER leave those jobs, and b) they want you to jump through hoops to get a degree for that. Ugh. I'm just so wanting, craving a change.

Good news--I"m going to see The Fray in June. i'm excited, I love their stuff. I wanted to buy the new Maroon 5 cd today too but I forgot. Oh ...yeah, to keep going on my "plan" at lunch today I went for a run. I did some situps, lunges and did a run. Woohoo gooooo me. All semi-proing it up! lol. Yeah, so that's why I didn't buy the cd, I was out running! yaay for me. It just sucks b/c when I get back to work I'm all sweaty and it's uncomfortable. BUT it's much easier than trying to get up a 6am to try and go to the gym. Much easier. I'm in NO WaY a morning person. bleh.

ok enuf. I just had to write this b/c J said no one updates anymore. heh. I thought he went MIA b/c of the girl. But, she's too busy w/ herself. I say piss on that. Who cares if she doesn't know where she's going or what she's doing. That's the fun in life. So, that's how I feel about that.

I'm just miserable.

I had a rotten weekend. Well, ok, it started off that I was excited to play in my game. Our very first game. I woke up early to go to some job thing, but it was a scam. Love that. Waking up at 8am on my day off for no reason!

My friend PB said to me about making the team that the coach must value me putting me on the A team rather than just pushing me down to the other team. And I was in agreement with that. On Thursday coach talked to me and told me I needed to get the rust and dust out of my system from not having played competitively in so long. I agreed with him, and he wanted me to play in the B game some, but also in the A game. I was fine w/ that b/c hey, what coach wants, I do. Only, I had a previous obligation for 4 oclock on Saturday,and coudln't be in two places at one time (B game had to be there at 345pm). I dont know if that pissed him off or what. But the B game got cancelled....so...

I guess he thinks I'm valuable, but I might have screwed that over this weekend. I sat in 2 hours of rain b/c not only did I not start, but I didn't play one minute. I was so so so hurt over it at the game, but thinking about it last night and today. At this level, not many teams substitute. You have to earn a spot and it's a lot of work. It's just so stressfull to sit there and wonder if you're goign to play. I've never ever been in this position before and it's frustrating. I cried most of Saturday night. We were supposed to do an appearance after the game @ a pizza place and I just left. I was so emberassed that KS, his mom and daughter came, sat in the rain hoping for me to go in..and for nothing. It was very shameful to me and I was very hurt.

I'm giving it another week. I guess. My friend R who is on the B team said to me to keep going. she said be happy I"m on the A team, etc. At least she tried to make me feel better. Two of my "Friends" on the A team didn't talk to me, didn't try to make me feel better/included. KS said that maybe they didn't know what to do and were keeping their distance. BS. Oh well.

So I'm just miserable.

I made the team :(

May 8th last update...almost 10 days ago. Go me.

I made the team. However, there are issues. I feel like I gave the tryout that Sunday my all, but when we had practice that thursday, I felt that I wasn't doing my best. Then we got an email about the A and B teams (competative and reserve) and I was on the A team. I was all kinds of excited until I found out that I wasn't starting. I sat the bench for the first time in my life! I've never felt this way. I was confused, frustrated and trying SO hard to keep myself from losing it. He put me in and I was all out of whack b/c I kept focusing on the fact that I wasn't his #1 choice and that it was hard to get in the game's rythm when you're subbed in. So at halftime I grudgingly warmed up, and b/c of the storm that started, he put us sub's in 10 minutes into the 2nd half. Only this time..he didn't know where to put me, so asked if I could play a center back (instead of my normal outside) and of course I said sure (you never say no or hesitate to play!) and I think I did well. They didnt' score so that's great.

But then I admit, this week I've been stressed and not feeling it---and still holding a grudge over the not starting thing. So I haven't ran, haven't worked out. I know it's my fault that at practice yesterday I felt and felt that I played like shit. I was so stressed over this whole thing that I was and still am considering quitting. I know it's in my control--to work hard and attempt at getting a starting spot, or to not and sit the bench, play reserves or quit. But--I'm 27 years old. I can't play reserves and hope to move up the food chain. My food chain has a time line. i'm not like the 16-20 year old girls that have the time to work up to playing for real. The coach said that if we wanted to be his top 11, maybe ask him /email what we needed to work on...and do it! so I emailed him yesterday...still havent' heard anything. And we have practice again today.

There's other doubts, too. Its a lot of work, and extra committment. I have to now push school back a semester. I won't have the free time, I might have to miss my only vacation (we have 2 games that week), I might have to miss a co-workers wedding (a game on that day too). All these things I have to sacrifice. Is it worth it to me? Yeah, but not if I'm just a reserve. And I hate putting limits on it. But I just dont' know how to feel about this. Oh and we have to do fund raisers. I hate doing that. We have to sell golf tickets for this tournament. WHY you know.

I'm glad coaching is over. This will give me more time to train by myself like I did laster year. I have a plan...and I think I'm ready to do it. I'm just glad I will have the time to set aside to do it.

an update thingie

Wow, congrats to J for writing 5 entries in one day. It's a record beaten by me. Only problem w/ the record is...I wrote mine in the one day..his were just posted in one day b/c good ol dland was down for a few days.

anyhoo...so the tryout went well. I think. We're all still waiting to hear something. I'm praying I made it, but if I do I know there's huge long hard road ahead of me. I know I desperately need to get in shape...and fast. I'm thinking I make the reserve team for development, and as I get into shape I can claim a spot on the team! That's my plan.

I don't really have anything too terribly exciting to post. I had a great weekend cleaning, yard sale-ing and stuff. KS has a job interview today. I'm very excited for him. I hope it is something he wants to do. I know how "in a rut" he feels at his current job. It has nothing to do with what he's interested in, or wants to be. This job is closer to that. The only downside is the hours (for me not him cause we'll be on opposite schedules) and the pay is a 6-7 dollar drop off of what he's making now. BUT he gets less responsibility, and more self pride/accomplishment (I think) in his job.

Who knows. Anyhoo. That's all for today. OH I forgot. I did have an update on KS mom situation.

So apparently KS dad said something to KS mom last Thursday about me being unhappy about the amount of pictures that they chose to get developed from the wedding. Did I mention this already? Well, they got let's say 20 pictures developed, and 10 I think are of their granddaughter. Maybe 4 are of KS and I. thats all. I was a little sad, so was KS and he told his dad that. And the mom got all upset and wont' talk to me now. She called me on Friday but hung up and then I called her back 2x's and left her a message. She never called me back. I figured she was at work and would call me afterwards, or on a break. But instead she called KS at 530pm to talk to him. When KS asked why she didn't call me back she snapped at him and told him she was working! Yeah...why did she snap???? He just asked a simple question. Then towards the end of the conversation he said well, do you want to talk to M, and she started crying (whaaa...whaaa ) and said how she knows I"m mad at her and doesn't know what to say.

Well, Im over it. Been over it. I'm over his whole family. And they dont' need to take it out on KS because of what I feel or say. Yeah, they did. His mom, dad and daughter came up here on Sunday and didnt' stop by to see him. His mother NEVER does things like that. She told KS "we dont' have time" yeah right. But then she called back later in the day and said that she tried, but his dad didnt' wanna be left along. OK.

And frankly it makes me feel like I can't say how I feel about anything. I hate feeling like I can't say how I feel whether I"m happy, sad, mad, etc. But its caused problems so I should just keep it bottled up. But then I'll explode. I dont know what to do.

so many thoughts.

Coach text'd me today and said good luck on Sunday. So i need to stop w/ my bad mouthing.

Last night I played a co-ed soccer game. I used to love the league for the challenge, but more and more I come off the field frustrated, upset, crying, or otherwise in a bad mood. Why you ask? Well for one, the guys almost never pass us girls the ball unless we're the last option, or maybe if we're wide open. Then, they put me on defense, but when it comes down to a play, they have other guys mark up and I just stand there like a doofus. It's so frustrating cause it's like they don't trust me, and when they do that, I get down on myself.

I feel like: "How am I going to make this team on Sunday if I can't even keep up w/ 30 year old men?" It's not that I can't keep up. I'm not fast. I make up for it in skill and smarts, but sometimes those buggers beat me, and I hate it.

It was frustrating.

then, I'm thinking I don't wanna be a teacher now. All the debt I've accumulated for grad school and all the hours/money lost at work...and I dont feel happy doing it. Maybe its because the past couple experiences. My last practicum experience I had the greatest time. I loved the kids, and I thought I liked the teacher. Until she told my teacher that I didn't show up when I said I would. One time. I had to stay here at my real job that pays me, and I told her that I couldn't make it, and she told my teacher that. My teacher basically lectured me saying " you're trying to get a job and making an impression through these people, so you can't do those things" well fucking a! I know when I'm doing student teaching that I need to be there, but for some stupid practicum when I had shit to do so I didn't lose my job! I had to waste 35 hours sitting there and observing when I could be getting paid at my job---well fuck! what am I supposed to do? Anyway, it's over now, and I got an A-. Whoopdie freakin doo.

A lot of times, though, too I feel confused. I feel like I have no clue what I"m doing when I'm coaching, and when I'm teaching. I'm constantly questioning myself "am I doing things in the right sequence, am I giving enough instruction, am I doing enough for management?" All these things. And I feel like I suck at them.

That's all for today. I just wanted to write that down real quick b/c it had been bothering me.

Rants....

So I'm really nervous about this try out. For one I"m terribly out of shape. At least last year I tried getting in shape for it. Well, not for the first round, but the 2nd. Oh well, all I can do is show up, do what I do and see what flies. I need to relax. I need to be thankful of what I'm given.

I didn't go for my run the other day. Instead I slept. I really did. Came home around 645 when I thought I could sneak the run in, but instead the couch and the lovely red plushy blanket was calling my name. And I answered it. And man, did I need it. But then I was disappointed yesterday in myself. So before I went to the girls game I hit the gym and did a serious 15 minute session of ass-kicking. 15 Push ups, 25 sit ups, 2sprints, 20 lunges...and repeat for a full 15 minutes. I guess you call that a circuit. Yeah, the butt is sore today. :)

So onto this coaching thing that's been bothering me. Here's what has been irking me, some examples if you will:

1: I get to practice, and we're handing out uniforms. I ask him "Do you want help, should I do anything?" You know I was thinking I could write names/numbers down while he hands stuff out/gets it organized. But he just says "nah, its ok" and it's a mess. It took 45min-1hour to get that done! Freaking ridiculous. I didn't know what to do. So he tells me to take the girls that do have uniforms outside and start practice. I'm there running practice, we played a game, I set up a drill and he comes out and just grabs his girls (not noticing my cones set up all over the field and the girls on a line together) and starts doing his thing. Doesn't ask me "hey coach, were you doing anything?" NO. That was the day I cried.

2: I come to practice one day and the weather isn't bad. No one is at the practice field, (oh this is the day after I missed the one day after my wedding...which he didn't tell them I was off b/c I was getting married, just said coach isn't' gonna be here today.) so I call him and say "where are you, and he said in his classroom. I get there and they're running a drill. I start talking up this one player who tells me that they only practice for an hour the day before,and prob. doing the same today. Coach doesn't ask how it went, etc. And practice ends early. You think he would've said "hey coach, don't worry about coming today" The reason why I'd rather him say that is to be considerate of me and my job. I'm not a teacher yet. I'm 8-5, and since I"m leaving my job at 2 to get to the school, he could at least cut me some slack. He's digging into my pockets by having me stand there and do nothing for an hour when I could've gotten paid for 3 more at my job.

3: I told him that on a Saturday that my sister was scheduled to have her baby on Monday and that most likely it wouldnt' be out in time for me to make it to our game. I never heard a word till Monday when I texted him again saying it was looking better. Then of course he was talking to me: "oh sure, can you bring this girl some cleats?" But then they told my sister that she had to have a c-section and they scheduled it and I told coach I couldn't be there. That moron told the girls that I wasn't at their game b/c a friend was having a baby. Fuck-you asshole. It was my sister. My girls understood when I told them.

4: I tell him I'm trying out for this team on Sunday. Nothing. No wow, hey that's neat good luck, etc. Just "oh".

5: I thougth I was hired to be the assistant coach, not just a JV coach. And there's only the two of us. I'm the oddball out who just sits in the stands, waits for his game to be over. The freaking volunteer kid who comes out to help not only sits w/ the Varsity, but can yell at them in the game, talk to them at halftime...but me, the paid coach? nah, I just watch. You'd think he'd say to me "hey coach come down here I want your input". But i get nothing.

6: I leave work early last week to meet him at the school since I have the game balls. And any home game, we need them. So I bring them there and he said "dont' worry about it, just keep them" and proceeds to walk to the field. FUCKER. I left work early, AGAIN, for no reason. You think he coudl've said something to me?! I was so pissed.

That's my sum up of frustrations on the coaching job. He's not all that bad, I think he just is a guy and has no clue. Cause after practices he'll talk to me about the girls, and what to do, the upcoming games, etc. He talks to me at practice about his wife, and kids. SO I mean He's not horrible, but just he has no idea. No consideration. And I guess I should talk to him, but when I get so mad and am ready to, he turns and does something nice.

I think I'm done ranting now. about that.....

just got this email and wanted to share

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

I've been through all of these. It is very fitting considering how in the past two months my life has changed. Many people have let me down, and dissapointed me when i had faith that they wouldn't. I've lost a few friends and not because of death. One because they've chosen to stay away for their own reasons. And one because they didn't show up.

I've become an aunt, I've become a wife. It's hard taking all this in so fast. I really haven't been able to take it all in, take a deep breath and feel it.

I think I might do that tonight. I'll go for a run, sit on top of the hill and look out at the park and breathe. I miss having time to do those things I love.

I miss the people who have chosen to stay away, too. I dont know why they are doing these things. I guess it's not for me to figure out. They have their own reasons. I can chose to be upset about it and let it bother/worry me, or I can go on about my life and wait for them to come to me. It's not like I've pushed them away. I haven't done anything to them. I'm tired of worrying about it and wondering what I did. I always think it's me. But it's not.

You know someone told me that they think I got married for the wrong reasons or too soon before I had thought about how happy I was or waht I really wanted. I'm thankful that the person told me how they felt. I'm glad that person was honest in their feelings and told me what they thought. But most of all they came to me. They didn't back away, or ignore me, or come up with excuses as to why they aren't talking to me.

I'm sorry for those people that I dont' have enough time to share for/with. Sometimes those people get on my case, but they understand. I try.

Holy Bananas

yes, I said Holy Bananas. it's my new thing instead of Holy Hannah. So, well, a freind of mine (fellow soccer chick) told me a mont ago about this try out. Remember I tried out for this team last year? I was tryign to play semi-pro and the girls they picked out...I was less than thrilled with? Anyhooo, so this team is under a new coaching staff, and this friend and fellow teammate/college player of mine told me about the try out (but she left out the date/time). I never thought twice about it because I"m so out of shape that I though it'd be wrong for me to attempt trying out. Even today, I still think that I"m way too out of shape.

So then a second girl asked me to come out. She texted me this past weekend about it. I figured, what the hell. I'm 27, I dont have much time left, so why not give it a shot. So I checked out the teams website, and I see a lot of young players. Like high school. And a few from Ireland and Sweden, etc. But then there's some girls (2) I know and tried out with last year that were decent. I emailed the coach asking him what he was looking for

I wrote:


Hello Coach,
My name is M. I am interested in playing/practicing with your team this Sunday May 6th. A few college players I know told me of the tryout, and I saw it again on your website. I was wondering what type of players you were looking for? Your roster looks very young, but I am still interested in seeing what I can do for the team.
I look forward to hearing from you,
M.

So then I get home last night and got this email!!!:

Hi M,
Thank you for your interest in the team. Right now, yes our roster has alot of younger players but that is because the college players were unable to attend the tryouts during the Spring season because of NCAA regulations. As we start training in the month of May you will see more and more college players return after they have finished their exams. We will have two teams this summer, one that will compete in the Women's Premier Soccer League and one that will compete in the Women's Premier Soccer League Reserve Division. By having two teams allows us to bring in these young players and introduce them to the level of competition and committment required to play at this level.

In your case, i believe you played at (my college) and you were a defender. This is an area that i have a great need in. I am confident of our attacking abilities but it is the defense that worries me. I signed two attacking players from Ireland who have played at the international level and i also signed a player from Sweden who has played in the WPSL before and scored goals at this level. So i am hoping that you can help me ease some of those worries about my defense and claim a spot on the team. I have another player comming in on Sunday who graduated from Old Dominion and she was captain of the Philadelphia team last season. So yes right now we have young players on our roster but over the next month i expect this to change alot.

I hope that i have answered your questions but if you need any more information please get back to me. I look forward to watching you at practice on Sunday.

Take Care,
Head Coach



Holy bananas!!! I'm SO going on Sunday!!! woohooo. After this weekend, man, this sure makes me feel great! and bloody hell, I gotta hit the gym hard!