You like that title? What is that, whitesnake? lol. sooo 80's.
Onto the reason I always come here. To bitch about something. Today's topic will be my mother. She really pissed me off last night. But, when is a visit with my mom without a fight or something dramatic happening?
First, what I thought was totally odd--she came in, and the ENTIRE night (she was at my house for 3 hours) she never once asked, or tried to hold Collin. Weird. Why would a grandmother not want to hold her grandchild? Well, her agenda was cooking dinner, and OK, i can see that..but really? really?
Then, everything was fine until the end of the night when she blurted out a problem I had in the past to our roommate. He didn't know about that, and it certainly didn't need to be brought to his attention. So I got pissed. I told my mom "THANKS" and went upstairs and well, cried with myself in the shower. It's an everyday thing. It is in the past, but hey, the voice still haunts me and I struggle with it all the time.
I'll give you a multiple choice as to what my mom did:
a) Come and apologise for saying what she did
b) turn it around on me and ask me for an apology
c) Act as if nothing was wrong and go eat the dinner she cooked.
The answer is b. yep, somehow she made it about her and I needed to apologise to her! I'm so beyond frustrated with her! she didn't know why I went crying, she didn't know why I ran upstairs. Helloo---you just outed me about something personal to someone who didn't need to know---about a problem from years ago! good god!
the woman has issues! she called me here @ work (after she told me she didn't have time for arguing and that "If I could do half a good of a job raising my son as she did with my sister and I, then, well...good luck" Can you believe that?! She called after that. ugh...then said that she just wanted me to be happy.
hello---there was nothing about NOT being happy
and that she didn't want to lose me
hello---and you think acting like this is going to help things?
Jezus H! I don't understand why i can't just have a mom who loves and supports me. Granted, all moms have things to put into their kids lives. That's their job, and it never ends. I know that. But, do you think that i could get some normalcy?! And then she says I wasn't greatful for all that she does for us?! WTF! I cried (not acting, serioulsy cried!) when she brought over bags and loads of stuff when i was on maternity leave and KS had lost his job. I gave her a thank you card with pictures of Collin to show my appreciation---I even thanked her last night too for making dinner!! But yet the (text) message I got today said how ungreatful I am, and how much I don't appreciate all she does for me.
It's enough to make me want to bash my head in a wall, or poke my eyes out in frustration!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tired. So unbelievably ti-red
Yes. I said ti-red. My one day to sleep in (Sunday) came and went. Not only did I not get to sleep in, but I stayed up waaay too late and had to wake up an hour earlier than my body wanted to. thank god KS woke up at 445 when lil man woke up. BUT he got to sleep in till 11am. uh huh. sucks balls. I'm still not caught up on sleep, but hopefully that'll change. I tried going to be earlier last night, but kept waking up. Oh well.
I had a horrible day/night yesterday. I'm super paranoid at my eating now sine I'm trying to lose the 15lb baby weight gain. I've only been to the gym since I had him about 7 or 8 times. Today I think would count in that. That's averaging 1 time a week and that isn't going to help me come summer time (no not for bikini season, although that is a great incentive...but for soccer season). I don't want to be so out of shape and playing in 100 degree weather. It just won't work. But so I ate pretty bad yesterday, telling myself with each meal that I'd do "better" at the next, and didn't. It took all I had to control myself from not going to the dark side...but I managed! I lived.
Like i said, today I did manage to get outside and do some working out. I ran some bleachers, ran some sprints on a hill, did some lunges and grape-vines...and did some footwork. I felt shaky afterwards so I know I worked muscles that haven't been worked. My chest and throat got so heavy and burning b/c of the wind. Wicked wind. I guess it's better than the beaming sun where I'm sweating profusely! haha. It will be here soon enough.
I'm tired of school already. I'm ready for it to be over with...and i haven't barely started. It's only week 2 out of 7. so I have 5 more to go after tomorrow. sheesh. The work load is crazy...with lessons. We have to do a unit for each class and each unit is 7-10 lessons. It's freaking crazy. The math class isn't so bad b/c he is having us use an actual math book to work out of. I love that b/c it's more realistic as far as what I'll be doing when I get in the class room. I don't know any teachers (thought I didn't know) so I panicked wondering how on Earth i was going to get ahold of a teacher's math book. But it worked out ok.
What else...hmm. I'm trying to feel happier. KS says i'm seeming sad. I'm just run down, and tired. Like he says..I'm doing too much. Story of my life. But who doesn't do too much ya know. I've got things to do. Priorities and goals to achieve. I want to get done school, I want to lose these last 15 lbs. When i'm home...I want to get the dishes done, do laundry, spend time w/ lil man, clean up the house..it's never ending! k...i'm out.
I had a horrible day/night yesterday. I'm super paranoid at my eating now sine I'm trying to lose the 15lb baby weight gain. I've only been to the gym since I had him about 7 or 8 times. Today I think would count in that. That's averaging 1 time a week and that isn't going to help me come summer time (no not for bikini season, although that is a great incentive...but for soccer season). I don't want to be so out of shape and playing in 100 degree weather. It just won't work. But so I ate pretty bad yesterday, telling myself with each meal that I'd do "better" at the next, and didn't. It took all I had to control myself from not going to the dark side...but I managed! I lived.
Like i said, today I did manage to get outside and do some working out. I ran some bleachers, ran some sprints on a hill, did some lunges and grape-vines...and did some footwork. I felt shaky afterwards so I know I worked muscles that haven't been worked. My chest and throat got so heavy and burning b/c of the wind. Wicked wind. I guess it's better than the beaming sun where I'm sweating profusely! haha. It will be here soon enough.
I'm tired of school already. I'm ready for it to be over with...and i haven't barely started. It's only week 2 out of 7. so I have 5 more to go after tomorrow. sheesh. The work load is crazy...with lessons. We have to do a unit for each class and each unit is 7-10 lessons. It's freaking crazy. The math class isn't so bad b/c he is having us use an actual math book to work out of. I love that b/c it's more realistic as far as what I'll be doing when I get in the class room. I don't know any teachers (thought I didn't know) so I panicked wondering how on Earth i was going to get ahold of a teacher's math book. But it worked out ok.
What else...hmm. I'm trying to feel happier. KS says i'm seeming sad. I'm just run down, and tired. Like he says..I'm doing too much. Story of my life. But who doesn't do too much ya know. I've got things to do. Priorities and goals to achieve. I want to get done school, I want to lose these last 15 lbs. When i'm home...I want to get the dishes done, do laundry, spend time w/ lil man, clean up the house..it's never ending! k...i'm out.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I survived!
Last night i drank 3 glasses of wine! And by that I mean full almost to the rim top glasses full of wine! my mommy wine glass. There's the glass i got as a present from CQ's mom. How sweet. I love those glasses anyway---but I was so happy to get that one. I was shopping at christmas for glasses for CQ and a lady at my work when I stumbled across that one. I thought KS would've gotten it for me since he was with me when I stumbled across it---and I did say how much I liked it. But....you know guys....oh well.
anyhoo---I about lost it yesterday. Ok, not about--I did. A few times over. I was frustrated at how I look (thanks autum--at least that puts in perspective for me that hey, at 2 months it's ok to not be right back in everything--and ks tells me that all the time, but i'm just so frustrated). I haven't had a haircut since september. The mane is out-of-control! I want to change the color, too but to what??? A red? A solid brown?? Brownish-red. Yeah--who knows.
Um, what else?? Yeah no bitching today. Well, I was this morning---I was last night too till I drowned myself in my riunite lambrusco! haha.
And you're all right, I should put my foot down with her or tell her to just let the baby be! and she's been better. The problem is, I don't wanna be mean and I don't wanna snap on her. She just loves he little man as much as I do. She stares at him and wants to be around him just like me. And b/c I'm not mean and b/c I let her play with him and help me out--she loves me! I hide all my frustrations and she has no clue (of course, I'm not --really not--the wicked stepmom over here). If I was she wouldn't have said to her mom last weekend "I wanna go home w/ (me)" yeah---how akeward was that!
I never mentioned that--only b/c I haven't written as much as I'd like. I went downstate to visit m.i.a. bridesmaid and in the process visitied ks's mom/dad and his daughter (who was spending the night for the 2nd weekend in a row..the weekend previous to those to and this current one ks has her---so when does her mom see her?? I wouldn't wanna part w/ Collin that much at all!!) But anyway, so yeah I was down visiting and her mom was coming to pick her up, and I didn't know what to do. Should I leave, shoudl I stay? i stayed b/c i knew it'd give his mom and dad an opportunity to spend time w/ Collin w/out her there hogging him. And they all enjoyed it. But so her mom walks in and didn't say one word. I was thinking "is she really not gonna say a word about the baby?!" but she eventually did. And it wasn't that bad at all. Lovely moments they are. ugh.
But yea..so thats the weekend. I"m contemplating going to church today. I was pissed when I woke up today b/c 1) I thought ks would've been nice to let me sleep in today since hey, it would actually work out to where I could! but no...and 2) his daughter woke up too! and I thought it was 630am, it was really 730...forgot about the clock change! I'm over it now. But i could use some guidance---lord melt these last 15lbs away!! pray pray pray....lol.
yeah, ok. enough!
anyhoo---I about lost it yesterday. Ok, not about--I did. A few times over. I was frustrated at how I look (thanks autum--at least that puts in perspective for me that hey, at 2 months it's ok to not be right back in everything--and ks tells me that all the time, but i'm just so frustrated). I haven't had a haircut since september. The mane is out-of-control! I want to change the color, too but to what??? A red? A solid brown?? Brownish-red. Yeah--who knows.
Um, what else?? Yeah no bitching today. Well, I was this morning---I was last night too till I drowned myself in my riunite lambrusco! haha.
And you're all right, I should put my foot down with her or tell her to just let the baby be! and she's been better. The problem is, I don't wanna be mean and I don't wanna snap on her. She just loves he little man as much as I do. She stares at him and wants to be around him just like me. And b/c I'm not mean and b/c I let her play with him and help me out--she loves me! I hide all my frustrations and she has no clue (of course, I'm not --really not--the wicked stepmom over here). If I was she wouldn't have said to her mom last weekend "I wanna go home w/ (me)" yeah---how akeward was that!
I never mentioned that--only b/c I haven't written as much as I'd like. I went downstate to visit m.i.a. bridesmaid and in the process visitied ks's mom/dad and his daughter (who was spending the night for the 2nd weekend in a row..the weekend previous to those to and this current one ks has her---so when does her mom see her?? I wouldn't wanna part w/ Collin that much at all!!) But anyway, so yeah I was down visiting and her mom was coming to pick her up, and I didn't know what to do. Should I leave, shoudl I stay? i stayed b/c i knew it'd give his mom and dad an opportunity to spend time w/ Collin w/out her there hogging him. And they all enjoyed it. But so her mom walks in and didn't say one word. I was thinking "is she really not gonna say a word about the baby?!" but she eventually did. And it wasn't that bad at all. Lovely moments they are. ugh.
But yea..so thats the weekend. I"m contemplating going to church today. I was pissed when I woke up today b/c 1) I thought ks would've been nice to let me sleep in today since hey, it would actually work out to where I could! but no...and 2) his daughter woke up too! and I thought it was 630am, it was really 730...forgot about the clock change! I'm over it now. But i could use some guidance---lord melt these last 15lbs away!! pray pray pray....lol.
yeah, ok. enough!
Friday, March 7, 2008
I'm f*cking miserable
with a capital M!
I don't want to go home. I don't want my weekend. Isn't it the same old shit with me? You know. I'm tired of myself.
I'm pissed b/c I have a closet and a 1/2 full of clothes and I can barely wear 1/4 of them! And it's not like I have money to buy all new clothes or time to go to the gym. Hell, the weather isnt' even nice enough for me to go outside and run on my lunchbreaks! (which I did on tuesday). There's no time for me to even attempt at gettgn back into my old clothes. I can't join any programs b/c I dont have money. It makes me just wanna starve myself!
I'm pissed b/c all weekend I have to watch KS's daughter and try and entertain her while taking care of my infant. I"m annoyed b/c she won't entertain herself to give me a break. ***I'm venting here don't hate me on this...if so, leave!****
She's constantly--"Can I hold him, Can I feed him?", shoving his pacifier in his mouth (which I dont want him to have ---it's a last resort). If she tries to feed him, she doesn't know when to burp him...if he fusses she tries to console him like I do, but she's tiny. She cannot hold him like I can b/c he flails around and it drives me nuts! She won't give the baby back..and when she does ---as soon as I get him calm she wants to hold him again (and probably stir him up again b/c she won't let him chill out!). If he's chilling on the floor w/ her, she'll pick him up, she'll move him around! it's like---leave him be!
Then, if I"m chilling w/ the baby...she wants to play Wii, she wants to play games, wants me to color w/ her---hello! I have a baby in my arms. I can't play video games like that! So then when the baby is sleeping, I can maybe get a shower, but wait, no I can't b/c she wants to play. And I HATE board games, and she loves them. So i play. Miserably I play b/c it makes her happy.
UGH!!! Why did I sign up for this??!
I'm so rude. KS just said he misses me and I dont' wanna text him back b/c I'm annoyed! I'm also annoyed b/c it was our 4 year anniversary (of him asking me out..the one we've celebrated I guess till we got married) and yet---i didn't get flowers, I didn't get shit! Nothing! I know...silly girl, get over yourself, but I"m mad dammit! And when he fucked up before...I still didnt' get anything. You'd think when a guy (your husband!) screws up that he'd try to say sorry a million times, or show you more attention or something. which he is...he does try, but it's not good enough for what I want. I'm just mad right now. I expected more b/c he's always done more.
Then like today--he goes into work at 530 thats b/c he has to drive 4 hours (round trip) to pick his daughter up when he was to be in at 2. And you wouldn't see me driving 4 hours w/ the lil baby man. So he lost time from work...great! but anyway...so I took lil baby man to daycare. Why didn't he want to spend more time with him? He was off yesterday but had interviews so I know why he coudlnt' spend more time yesterday...but it's like---spend some times..geese.
I think I'm just jealous b/c I never get a break. And before you get pissy at me, I know, ok. I know. I know that being a parent I dont' get a break. but you know---it's just not fair. Just b/c of how ks's schedule is (meaning work all weekend and have 2 days off in the week) he gets to sleep in and have a real day off. I dont! I can barely get a shower and stuff and he gets to relax and play Wii on his day off. I struggle to get anything done at work or home ..and now have 2nd to tend to. Ugh. I'm jsut bitchy...bitchy bitchy bitchy.
And i could bitch more. I'm fucking pissed. I wanna drown myself in a bottle of wine, but I have 2 kids to take care of. FUCK!
I don't want to go home. I don't want my weekend. Isn't it the same old shit with me? You know. I'm tired of myself.
I'm pissed b/c I have a closet and a 1/2 full of clothes and I can barely wear 1/4 of them! And it's not like I have money to buy all new clothes or time to go to the gym. Hell, the weather isnt' even nice enough for me to go outside and run on my lunchbreaks! (which I did on tuesday). There's no time for me to even attempt at gettgn back into my old clothes. I can't join any programs b/c I dont have money. It makes me just wanna starve myself!
I'm pissed b/c all weekend I have to watch KS's daughter and try and entertain her while taking care of my infant. I"m annoyed b/c she won't entertain herself to give me a break. ***I'm venting here don't hate me on this...if so, leave!****
She's constantly--"Can I hold him, Can I feed him?", shoving his pacifier in his mouth (which I dont want him to have ---it's a last resort). If she tries to feed him, she doesn't know when to burp him...if he fusses she tries to console him like I do, but she's tiny. She cannot hold him like I can b/c he flails around and it drives me nuts! She won't give the baby back..and when she does ---as soon as I get him calm she wants to hold him again (and probably stir him up again b/c she won't let him chill out!). If he's chilling on the floor w/ her, she'll pick him up, she'll move him around! it's like---leave him be!
Then, if I"m chilling w/ the baby...she wants to play Wii, she wants to play games, wants me to color w/ her---hello! I have a baby in my arms. I can't play video games like that! So then when the baby is sleeping, I can maybe get a shower, but wait, no I can't b/c she wants to play. And I HATE board games, and she loves them. So i play. Miserably I play b/c it makes her happy.
UGH!!! Why did I sign up for this??!
I'm so rude. KS just said he misses me and I dont' wanna text him back b/c I'm annoyed! I'm also annoyed b/c it was our 4 year anniversary (of him asking me out..the one we've celebrated I guess till we got married) and yet---i didn't get flowers, I didn't get shit! Nothing! I know...silly girl, get over yourself, but I"m mad dammit! And when he fucked up before...I still didnt' get anything. You'd think when a guy (your husband!) screws up that he'd try to say sorry a million times, or show you more attention or something. which he is...he does try, but it's not good enough for what I want. I'm just mad right now. I expected more b/c he's always done more.
Then like today--he goes into work at 530 thats b/c he has to drive 4 hours (round trip) to pick his daughter up when he was to be in at 2. And you wouldn't see me driving 4 hours w/ the lil baby man. So he lost time from work...great! but anyway...so I took lil baby man to daycare. Why didn't he want to spend more time with him? He was off yesterday but had interviews so I know why he coudlnt' spend more time yesterday...but it's like---spend some times..geese.
I think I'm just jealous b/c I never get a break. And before you get pissy at me, I know, ok. I know. I know that being a parent I dont' get a break. but you know---it's just not fair. Just b/c of how ks's schedule is (meaning work all weekend and have 2 days off in the week) he gets to sleep in and have a real day off. I dont! I can barely get a shower and stuff and he gets to relax and play Wii on his day off. I struggle to get anything done at work or home ..and now have 2nd to tend to. Ugh. I'm jsut bitchy...bitchy bitchy bitchy.
And i could bitch more. I'm fucking pissed. I wanna drown myself in a bottle of wine, but I have 2 kids to take care of. FUCK!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)