I hate feeling like sometime this is the only thing i have. Or rather, only place to find some sense of me. If that makes any sense. I check my email, nothing...nothing there. I wait for phone calls, or text messages, and again...nothing there. Not that I've really gotten much feedback on my diary/blogger but it's like..I feel more here than anywhere.

I hate missing people. I hate wanting their attention. but, I do. I wish I had more friends that I could be close to, but I dont. My closest friends, whom I trust...are on here...because I don't know you. Or, I feel close to people who I don't see that often. Like my dee, love her to death but I hardly ever see her. She lives an hour away, and I guess that makes it hard. We haven't really hung out too much outside of soccer, but it would be nice to do that sometimes.

I just miss the companionship and the friendship, that trust. I mean, I have Ks, but I just feel very lonely a lot of times. I think I try and look for that void in all the wrong places. could it be that I'm still seeking my dad's affection (for you newbie's...I grew up never knowing him till just two september's ago) and even still we don't talk, he's not HERE so, is that what I'm doing?

but seriously...and I mean serious..this is the only place where I can say/feel/think how I want. I do not feel I can be that way around my friends. Every one of them I have to not say something, or avoid a topic to keep things from going under. Its silly, and is that really friendship? I don't know. I guess it's on an individual basis, but ...whatever. I'm over this deep conversation I'm having with myself.

later