I still haven't wrote THE entry that's been in my head. I feel the thoughts come through but I'm scared to write them. I feel them, I know them, but I can't get them out. I'm afraid of what will be judged on me because whenever I talk about it, I feel bad. And I feel like a broken record. It's the same thing over and over.
I left for a vacation, and on the plane taking off all I could think of is how much I loved KS, how much I'd miss him, and how much I hoped the plane wouldn't crash. I thought of how precious time was and all those crazy things that happen when you're away. All I could think about while I was away was how much I missed our companionship and hugs. On the way home I was thinking the same things---plane please don't crash, can't wait to see KS, etc. I thought I had a whole new appreciation for my relationship and that things were a-ok.
But, days after I'm back home I still feel it. I still feel the need to run. The thoughts run through my head of what will it be like if I leave? Who would I live with? What will happen with the bills? Will I never find a love like I have now? Why am I leaving, can't I work this out? Why can't I be happy with the situation? What will it be like if I have a kid? Will things be better? But what if they are worse? What then?
I think "what is wrong with you, stupid. He's a great guy, he loves you, you love him." I think of why can't I just feel great about everything? Should I put myself into therapy to try and deal with the issues I have about our relationship and his daughter and the baby's mom? Should I try and I work it out, I do think I owe the relationship that much.
Then parts of me is like---are you serious? Therapy, for a relationship? Should it be this hard, this much work?
Some parts of me know that in relationships yes, you need to work it out, you need to resolve problems, and it's not always easy. But then I think, can I live my life with this?
I am burdened by my feelings. I am burdened by what they mean, and how to deal with them. What does it mean now that we are almost 3 years into this thing and I still feel the same way about this?? Does it mean that I'm not going to change and that more years down the road I will regret this?
There's articles I've read about women who are educated, smart, and independent are more likely to cheat on their spouses. So does that mean that I might? Along with my resentment towards his daughter, and the whole situation will that make me more likely a bad partner? Will that cause me to want to stray or leave? Would I have enough power in me to leave if I felt that strongly about leaving? Is that how I'm feeling now, but just covering it up? Am I doing what I always do by just pushing along and going along with it? I always push myself aside for the needs of others. I never say or do what I want if I feel I might hurt someone else.
What I'm saying is, now that I'm back home even though far away I felt more love...I still feel empty, and resentment. Nothing has changed.
1 comment:
Dear Miss My Twin,
This is going to be more of a letter then it will be a comment. But I wanted to answer few things within your entry before I gave you my thoughts. You wrote, “ I am afraid to be judged for my thoughts” Don’t be. This is your escape those are your thoughts. If anyone is going to judge its going to be you making a decision. If you want to make a sound decision you need to be honest with yourself. Sweets if anyone is to judge you then they are an absolute waste of your time and not worth the effort.
“What will it be like if I have a kid?” Please don’t. I want you to have a child only if you really want to. Not because its going to save your relationship with KS or because you feel you need to. Only have a child when you are ready and you want to. Keep in mind that if you have a baby for any of the above reasons you are going to resent the child and its not the baby’s fault that you are not happy. Not to mention that a kid will not let you finish your school in time or even coach. For minimum of 4 years your life is going to be on hold.
Babe, everything that you have written is valid. There is nothing that you have written that is not a good reason to pause and rethink. You are not an old lady afraid of being lonely for the rest of your life. You are not an ugly fat ass chick who cant smile because the camera will break. You are beautiful, you are ambitious, you are eager to grow. If you need to break things off with him that’s fine. But before you make a decision….take a break from him. Don’t go on vacation with the family. Don’t party on with the girls. Have a YOU time. Take a week off. Stay at a hotel or your moms and concentrate on YOU and what YOU want. Think about who YOU are and where YOU want to be in 3 years. And see how he factors in the picture. And if you don’t see him in there then its time to let it go. But love, don’t rush and take your time. You should never avoid your instincts. And the entry you wrote were your true instincts and gut feelings.
Call me if you need me.
Muuuuuaaaaaahhhhh….by the way I give the best advice at 3 in the morning. So don’t worry about calling me at 3.
Love ya
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