so many thoughts.

Coach text'd me today and said good luck on Sunday. So i need to stop w/ my bad mouthing.

Last night I played a co-ed soccer game. I used to love the league for the challenge, but more and more I come off the field frustrated, upset, crying, or otherwise in a bad mood. Why you ask? Well for one, the guys almost never pass us girls the ball unless we're the last option, or maybe if we're wide open. Then, they put me on defense, but when it comes down to a play, they have other guys mark up and I just stand there like a doofus. It's so frustrating cause it's like they don't trust me, and when they do that, I get down on myself.

I feel like: "How am I going to make this team on Sunday if I can't even keep up w/ 30 year old men?" It's not that I can't keep up. I'm not fast. I make up for it in skill and smarts, but sometimes those buggers beat me, and I hate it.

It was frustrating.

then, I'm thinking I don't wanna be a teacher now. All the debt I've accumulated for grad school and all the hours/money lost at work...and I dont feel happy doing it. Maybe its because the past couple experiences. My last practicum experience I had the greatest time. I loved the kids, and I thought I liked the teacher. Until she told my teacher that I didn't show up when I said I would. One time. I had to stay here at my real job that pays me, and I told her that I couldn't make it, and she told my teacher that. My teacher basically lectured me saying " you're trying to get a job and making an impression through these people, so you can't do those things" well fucking a! I know when I'm doing student teaching that I need to be there, but for some stupid practicum when I had shit to do so I didn't lose my job! I had to waste 35 hours sitting there and observing when I could be getting paid at my job---well fuck! what am I supposed to do? Anyway, it's over now, and I got an A-. Whoopdie freakin doo.

A lot of times, though, too I feel confused. I feel like I have no clue what I"m doing when I'm coaching, and when I'm teaching. I'm constantly questioning myself "am I doing things in the right sequence, am I giving enough instruction, am I doing enough for management?" All these things. And I feel like I suck at them.

That's all for today. I just wanted to write that down real quick b/c it had been bothering me.